Stephen put Formosus on trail for his crimes. Since Formosus was all dead, and stuff, it was pretty hard to put up any sort of defense. So, his defense was done by a cleric kneeling behind his throne. Stephen would ask random totally rhetorical questions like “Why did you usurp the papacy?” and the Cleric would yell you “Because I was Evil”

Shockingly Formosus was found guilty. But as I’ve already mentioned, he was dead to begin with. So Stephen took some time to think of a fitting punishment. In the end he decided on chopping off the 3 fingers Formosus used for giving blessings, and then tossed his rotting corpse in the river.

#5: Giles Corey
In the fall of 1692 the Salem Witch trials were in full swing. Giles Corey was arrested on April 18, 1692, along with Mary Warren, Abigail Hobbs, and Bridget Bishop. Trying to save her own ass Abigail Hobbs snitched and told the authorities that Corey was in fact a Warlock. But when they came to make Corey confess, he more or less told them to piss off. So they decided to go ahead and put him on trial, and if convicted, burn him at the stake. They was just one little catch. The Colonial laws were a bit weird. For example, if you were arrested for a crime, when you went for your arraignment, if you refused to plead guilty or innocent, then they couldn’t have a trial. But the early settlers found a convenient way around this little loophole. When ever some one refused to enter a plea. They would take them out back, stick them between 2 pieces of wood, and start adding heavy stones to the top. So, they crush you until you give them an answer.

Lets remember, this was Salem, at the hight of the Witch Trials. If you got arrested, you were pretty much screwed. Corey knew there was not a flaming chance in hell of ever getting a fair trial. So he refused to enter a plea. So, since there was no plea, it was time to start crushin’

So they took Corey out back, put him between the pieces of wood, and started adding the weight. Each time they added another stone, they would have some fancy pants legal douche standing there screaming How Do You Plead? And if you refused to answer, then they would yell MORE WEIGHT! and another stone would be added.

More weight kept being added, and Corey was not answering, he was being crushed to death instead. The final time the Judge douche asked him how he wold to plead, with his final breath Corey answer.

More Weight!

#4: Dr. Barry Marshall
I’m not really sure if this counts as Badass, or just stupid. Doctors Robin Warren and Barry Marshall are a couple Nobel Prize winning pathologists. They won the Nobel Prize for isolating the bacteria which is responsible for stomach ulcers. Now, being a couple or nerd scientists, winning some silly little award, and finding some boring bacteria might not sound all that badass, but it is how they found it. After years of studying Ulcer patients they discovered that all of the sufferers had this same weird ass bacterial in their system. So they went to other scientists and were like “Hey guys look what we found!” But they were pretty much laughed at. Nearly every other respected scientist was like “You retards, Ulcers are caused by stress, life style and eating habits.”

However, being totally positive in their discovery, and unwilling to take NO for an answer, and generally pissed off about the mocking they had received from fellow nerds, Drs. Warren and Marshall did what any sane person would do.

Dr. Marshall took a vial of the bacterial they had extracted from the stomach acids of ulcer sufferers………..

AND FUCKING DRANK IT!

He immediately developed gastritis with achlorhydria, nausea, vomiting and halitosis.

Crazy bastard 1
Scientific Community 0

#3: Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson was the 7th President of the United States, and without a doubt, my favorite. He is my favorite, not because of anything presidential he did, but because he was absolutely bat shit crazy. Jackson had 3 favorite Hobbies. Talking Shit, Killing Indians ( and when no Indians were around, then the French would do), and gun fights. For the talking shit aspect, Jackson has one of the best Presidential Quotes of all time. “I have only two regrets: I didn’t shoot Henry Clay and I didn’t hang John C. Calhoun.” Yeah, he wished he had hung his own Vice President, and shot a Senator. And I’d bet my ass, he was 100% serious.

For his second Hobby, the Killing of Indians ( Or French if no Indians are around) I won’t go into details, but I’ll just point you to The Trail of Tears as well as The Battle of New Orleans.

Then there was his favorite Hobby which was to Duel. It’s estimated that Jackson was in as many as 100 duels in his life. Jackson’s most bad ass duel came on May 30, 1806 with a guy named Charles Dickinson. Dickinson was by all accounts a douche bag. He owed money to Jackson over a horse racing debt, then to make matters worse, talked shit about Jackson’s wife. Dickinson was known for being an excellent shot, but Jackson was so bad ass, instead of the usual rules of the duel, the whole take 10 paces turn and shoot, Jackson said they could just stand facing each other, and he would even give Dickinson the first shot. Dickinson took the first shot, and shot Jackson in the chest. Unfazed by just being shot in the damn chest, while Dickinson frantically went to reload his pistol, Jackson shot him in the heart and killed him. Throughout his life Jackson had been shot so many times in duels, that he would routinely caught up blood for no reason, was in constant pain, and once said when he walked he “rattled like a bag of marbles.”

But if that wasn’t enough badass points, Jackson was also the first President which ever had an assassination attempt made on him. On January 30, 1835, Jackson was leaving the capital building, Richard Lawrence, a crazy unemployed house painter charged up to Jackson with his pistol aimed, and fired. But to Lawrence’s dismay, the gun misfired. So he pulled out his second pistol, that one misfired too. All that did was piss Jackson off. Being the badass he was, he didn’t have the Secret Service surround him, and throw him in the back of a bullet proof limo. No, Jackson ran up to his attacker and personally beat the shit out of him, and pounded his ass into the ground with his cane. Jackson he to be restrained by his aides, before he killed the guy.

#2: God
I’m not a religious person. But I am a curious person, so I have read all the bible thingies for all the major religions. Funny thing is, is you suspend the belief in the whole religion thing, some of the books aren’t that bad. Especially the Old Testament. It’s just an absolutely brutal book, and God is one of the biggest badass’ of all freaking time. I could go on for days about all the people he slaughters, cities he burnt down, foreskins he collected, or how he turned Samson into his own personal Boba Fett. But I think his most bad ass Verse comes from II Kings 2:23-24. There are a couple of kids who are making fun of Elisha, who was one of God’s buddies, Elisha didn’t like being made fun of so he whined to God about it. God’s response? He had the kids eaten by bears.

Here is the actual verse:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

#1: Grigori Rasputin
. In life Rasputin wasn’t so much a badass, as he was an asshole. By all accounts he was a corrupt douche bag. He conned Tsar Nicholas II into letting him crash as the Palace by convincing him that he was a mystic and was capable of healing the Tsar’s hemophiliac son Alexei, which of course he couldn’t. But still he lived in the Palace rent free, eating all of the Tsar’s food, and probably ordering Pay Per View. For some reason Nicholas thought Rasputin was awesome, even though he was basically just an early 20th century couch surfing dead beat. But Nicholas was so high on him, and anyone who wanted to speak to him had to go through Rasputin first. So being the asshole he was Rasputin took this an an opportunity to take many, many, many bribes. He then took these bribes and spent them on hookers. Rasputin Loved the hookers. And the hookers probably loved him since he apparently had a On Foot Dong, which is supposedly in a jar in the Russian museum of erotica in St. Petersburg, Russia. Although on one day in 1914 one of the whores got pissed off at him and stabbed the shit out of him, nearly gutting him and almost killing him. Although the whore wasn’t a whore any more, but she was a follower of Rasputin’s teachings and finally realized they were bullshit. It wasn’t just a simple stabbing, it was so bad that his end trails were hanging out of his gut

And this is where we get to the badass part. Rasputin may have been a worthless jerkoff in life, but in death the son-of-a-bitch was nearly impossible to kill.

After the gutting by the hooker the Tsar, and pretty much everyone in Russia was fed up with his shenanigans, and it was time to take the dude out.

So on December 29th, 1916 a group of Nobles, led by Prince Felix Yusupov and the Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich, went to see Rasputin, when they were there they fed him wine and cake which was filled with massive amounts of cyanide. Vasily Maklakov had provided enough cyanide to kill 5 men. But after eating the cake, and drinking the wine, Rasputin didn’t have so much as heart burn, all that poison and it didn’t do anything to him.

They figured maybe it would take a while to kill him, so they were going to wait it out. However as time passed they started to get impatient. Wanting the dude dead, Yusupov went back into the house, took out his revolver and shot Rasputin in the back, he fell, and was assumed dead.

Yusupov however was a dumbass and he forgot his coat when he ran out after shooting him. So a while later he figured it would be ok if he went back to get his coat. When there, he went over to check the body which still hadn’t moved. But in true B Horror movie form, once Yusupov turned the Body over, Rasputin’s eyes open, he came to life, and strangled the shit out of Yusupov and actually whispered “You Bad Boy” into his ear.

But before Rasputin could strangle the life out of Yusupov the group of people wanting him dead returned to find the fight going on, they started shooting him some more. They shot him a shit load more times, and finally he fell to the ground again. This time they were positive that he was dead, so they walked over to collect the body. But the crazy son-of-a-bitch wasn’t dead and got back up.

The group of people, now totally freaked out, and apparently out of bullets, decided to club the shit out of him. They still could not kill him, but managed to beat him till he was nearly passed out. Then they wrapped his body up in a rug and tossed him into the icy Moika River river.

When his body was later found, full of bullet holes, knife wounds, marks from being clubbed and full of poison, it was determined that his actual cause of death, was of hypothermia.

Even after all that shit, when they tossed him in the river he was still alive, and nearly managed to claw himself out of the carpet he was wrapped up in.

The thing about NYE, is that it sucks. You have this big build up for it, and it never manages to meet your expectations. You have these high hopes, but in the end you end up being totally underwhelmed and disappointed. It usually ends up being completely lame. Which is why I set the bar as low as humanly possible for it.

See the thing with me is, I don’t like people. I hate large groups of people, I REALLY don’t like being surrounded by people I don’t know. I don’t enjoy being around a bunch of drunk assholes, unless of course I am one of those drunk assholes. However I don’t drink and drive, and pretty much any time I leave my house, I’m the one who has to drive. I don’t particularly care for bars. I am not a fan of paying the same price for a single bottle of Miller Light, that I could have gone to the store and bought an entire 6 pack for. One of the biggest pains in the sack around here on NYE is driving. You’re going to hit a road block about every 5 miles. After the 2nd or 3rd, it starts to get shockingly annoying. And the cherry on top, our weather blows.

The weather these last 2 weeks have made no sense. December 19th and 20th we had over 2 feet of snow. December 22nd we had non-stop 40 mph wind all day. It was 46 degrees on Christmas. December 26th and 27th the temperature was in the 60’s. On the 28th we had 70mph wind. Om the 30th we got another foot of snow. And last night we had a high temperature of 8 degrees. So to sum up in the last 12 days, we have had 3 feet of snow, apparently a category 2 hurricane with no hurricane, 2 days with temperatures in the 60’s and now temperatures below freezing. God bless Western NY Weather. We broke the record for snow in December. We had 4 feet of snow, BUT at the same time had 6 days over 60 degrees, and 2 over 70. That’s sort of messed up.

Anyhow, back to NYE being lame. As I mentioned, I set the bar impossibly now. Pretty much anything other than being asleep is about as exciting as it gets. Although to be honest, it was a struggle last night to even do that. I spent the night working on websites, and checking basketball scores. I didn’t watch any of that Dick Clark, ball-dropping nonsense, I could not possibly care less about that shit.

When midnight came around, I was in my pajamas, in my kitchen, eating left over chicken and mashed potatoes over my sink and drinking apple juice mixed with sprite.

Sad part is, that exceeded my expectations for the night.

So in closing.

New Years Eve is Hella Lame

Anyhow, I never really got the whole thing about Scarlett Johansson. I never really thought she was all that great looking. She was OK in Lost in Translation, when she was like the kinda quick, bland girl-next-door type. But after that, it’s like she is trying too hard.

All she ever does is bitch about how she wants to be taken as a serious actress and not a sex symbol. I hate to break it to her, but she is one of the worst actresses of all fucking time. Just terrible. Her movies are almost unwatchable.

But I don’t get why people fall all over her thinking she is so hot. She is aging really badly, she is like 3 or 4 years younger than I am, yet she looks like she should be in her 30’s at least. She has this blank fucking stare that makes her look half retarded. And a voice that is about as enjoyable as scrubbing my eyes with sandpaper.

The only thing I can think of, is that dudes are just looking at her tits and ignoring the other 90% of her frumpy body. She does have nice boobies, but she never shows them. So fuck her. And every time she goes out in public, she dresses like my Grandma.