6 Historical Badasses
#6: Pope Stephen VI
We have had some badass popes throughout history. For a good 600 years there, pretty much every Pope would wage war, and rape the crap out of every hot piece of ass he could find ( man or woman ). You even had Pius II who looked and acted like a little sissy, but that was because he damn well could, since he had Dracula to do his bidding (seriously, Pius II was BFFs with Vlad the Impaler). However Stephen VI took things a step further. When he took over as Pope he was pissed off with some of the minor infractions that the previous Pope Formosus had done. It was nothing serious, like saying Jesus was black, or Mary Magdalene was his blow broad. It was the type of things pretty much every other Pope would have looked past. But not Stephen. But, since Formosus was already dead, what could be possibly do to punish him? Well if you guess “Send out a group of people to dig his dead decaying corpse up, dress it in his Papal uniform, and put him on trial” Then you sir, are correct.
Stephen put Formosus on trail for his crimes. Since Formosus was all dead, and stuff, it was pretty hard to put up any sort of defense. So, his defense was done by a cleric kneeling behind his throne. Stephen would ask random totally rhetorical questions like “Why did you usurp the papacy?” and the Cleric would yell you “Because I was Evil”
Shockingly Formosus was found guilty. But as I’ve already mentioned, he was dead to begin with. So Stephen took some time to think of a fitting punishment. In the end he decided on chopping off the 3 fingers Formosus used for giving blessings, and then tossed his rotting corpse in the river.
#5: Giles Corey
In the fall of 1692 the Salem Witch trials were in full swing. Giles Corey was arrested on April 18, 1692, along with Mary Warren, Abigail Hobbs, and Bridget Bishop. Trying to save her own ass Abigail Hobbs snitched and told the authorities that Corey was in fact a Warlock. But when they came to make Corey confess, he more or less told them to piss off. So they decided to go ahead and put him on trial, and if convicted, burn him at the stake. They was just one little catch. The Colonial laws were a bit weird. For example, if you were arrested for a crime, when you went for your arraignment, if you refused to plead guilty or innocent, then they couldn’t have a trial. But the early settlers found a convenient way around this little loophole. When ever some one refused to enter a plea. They would take them out back, stick them between 2 pieces of wood, and start adding heavy stones to the top. So, they crush you until you give them an answer.
Lets remember, this was Salem, at the hight of the Witch Trials. If you got arrested, you were pretty much screwed. Corey knew there was not a flaming chance in hell of ever getting a fair trial. So he refused to enter a plea. So, since there was no plea, it was time to start crushin’
So they took Corey out back, put him between the pieces of wood, and started adding the weight. Each time they added another stone, they would have some fancy pants legal douche standing there screaming How Do You Plead? And if you refused to answer, then they would yell MORE WEIGHT! and another stone would be added.
More weight kept being added, and Corey was not answering, he was being crushed to death instead. The final time the Judge douche asked him how he wold to plead, with his final breath Corey answer.
More Weight!
#4: Dr. Barry Marshall
I’m not really sure if this counts as Badass, or just stupid. Doctors Robin Warren and Barry Marshall are a couple Nobel Prize winning pathologists. They won the Nobel Prize for isolating the bacteria which is responsible for stomach ulcers. Now, being a couple or nerd scientists, winning some silly little award, and finding some boring bacteria might not sound all that badass, but it is how they found it. After years of studying Ulcer patients they discovered that all of the sufferers had this same weird ass bacterial in their system. So they went to other scientists and were like “Hey guys look what we found!” But they were pretty much laughed at. Nearly every other respected scientist was like “You retards, Ulcers are caused by stress, life style and eating habits.”
However, being totally positive in their discovery, and unwilling to take NO for an answer, and generally pissed off about the mocking they had received from fellow nerds, Drs. Warren and Marshall did what any sane person would do.
Dr. Marshall took a vial of the bacterial they had extracted from the stomach acids of ulcer sufferers………..
AND FUCKING DRANK IT!
He immediately developed gastritis with achlorhydria, nausea, vomiting and halitosis.
Crazy bastard 1
Scientific Community 0
