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6 Historical Badasses

#6: Pope Stephen VI
stephenvi1 We have had some badass popes throughout history. For a good 600 years there, pretty much every Pope would wage war, and rape the crap out of every hot piece of ass he could find ( man or woman ). You even had Pius II who looked and acted like a little sissy, but that was because he damn well could, since he had Dracula to do his bidding (seriously, Pius II was BFFs with Vlad the Impaler). However Stephen VI took things a step further. When he took over as Pope he was pissed off with some of the minor infractions that the previous Pope Formosus had done. It was nothing serious, like saying Jesus was black, or Mary Magdalene was his blow broad. It was the type of things pretty much every other Pope would have looked past. But not Stephen. But, since Formosus was already dead, what could be possibly do to punish him? Well if you guess “Send out a group of people to dig his dead decaying corpse up, dress it in his Papal uniform, and put him on trial” Then you sir, are correct.

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Stephen put Formosus on trail for his crimes. Since Formosus was all dead, and stuff, it was pretty hard to put up any sort of defense. So, his defense was done by a cleric kneeling behind his throne. Stephen would ask random totally rhetorical questions like “Why did you usurp the papacy?” and the Cleric would yell you “Because I was Evil”

Shockingly Formosus was found guilty. But as I’ve already mentioned, he was dead to begin with. So Stephen took some time to think of a fitting punishment. In the end he decided on chopping off the 3 fingers Formosus used for giving blessings, and then tossed his rotting corpse in the river.

#5: Giles Corey
11a In the fall of 1692 the Salem Witch trials were in full swing. Giles Corey was arrested on April 18, 1692, along with Mary Warren, Abigail Hobbs, and Bridget Bishop. Trying to save her own ass Abigail Hobbs snitched and told the authorities that Corey was in fact a Warlock. But when they came to make Corey confess, he more or less told them to piss off. So they decided to go ahead and put him on trial, and if convicted, burn him at the stake. They was just one little catch. The Colonial laws were a bit weird. For example, if you were arrested for a crime, when you went for your arraignment, if you refused to plead guilty or innocent, then they couldn’t have a trial. But the early settlers found a convenient way around this little loophole. When ever some one refused to enter a plea. They would take them out back, stick them between 2 pieces of wood, and start adding heavy stones to the top. So, they crush you until you give them an answer.

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Lets remember, this was Salem, at the hight of the Witch Trials. If you got arrested, you were pretty much screwed. Corey knew there was not a flaming chance in hell of ever getting a fair trial. So he refused to enter a plea. So, since there was no plea, it was time to start crushin’

So they took Corey out back, put him between the pieces of wood, and started adding the weight. Each time they added another stone, they would have some fancy pants legal douche standing there screaming How Do You Plead? And if you refused to answer, then they would yell MORE WEIGHT! and another stone would be added.

More weight kept being added, and Corey was not answering, he was being crushed to death instead. The final time the Judge douche asked him how he wold to plead, with his final breath Corey answer.

More Weight!

#4: Dr. Barry Marshall
warren3 I’m not really sure if this counts as Badass, or just stupid. Doctors Robin Warren and Barry Marshall are a couple Nobel Prize winning pathologists. They won the Nobel Prize for isolating the bacteria which is responsible for stomach ulcers. Now, being a couple or nerd scientists, winning some silly little award, and finding some boring bacteria might not sound all that badass, but it is how they found it. After years of studying Ulcer patients they discovered that all of the sufferers had this same weird ass bacterial in their system. So they went to other scientists and were like “Hey guys look what we found!” But they were pretty much laughed at. Nearly every other respected scientist was like “You retards, Ulcers are caused by stress, life style and eating habits.”

However, being totally positive in their discovery, and unwilling to take NO for an answer, and generally pissed off about the mocking they had received from fellow nerds, Drs. Warren and Marshall did what any sane person would do.

Dr. Marshall took a vial of the bacterial they had extracted from the stomach acids of ulcer sufferers………..

AND FUCKING DRANK IT!

He immediately developed gastritis with achlorhydria, nausea, vomiting and halitosis.

Crazy bastard 1
Scientific Community 0

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Hottest Jessica Biel photoshoot ever

These pictures make me happy in my pants

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Emmanuelle Chriqui GQ pictures are very nice

She is not the greatest actress on earth, but I’ll be damned if Emmanuelle Chriqui is not a fine piece of ass to look at.

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100 best sports pictures of 2008

Here is a collection of the best sports pictures from the last year. Lots of cool stuff I hope you enjoy. All the pictures will be on one page after the jump..

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There is no hope for Tara Reid

Sweet Jesus, this chick is pretty much the definition of a train wreck. I mean I know for the last few years she has lived off a steady diet of Camel Unfiltereds and Natty Ice. Bit Damn, even when she TRIES to get all cleaned up and look respectable, she still looks like a freaking mess.

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Forgotten Classics: Was (not Was): Walk the Dinosaur

 

New Years Eve is Hella Lame

I usually work on New Years Eve. I guess I could take it off, but never really saw the point. But this year it just so happened that NYE fell on one of my normal days off. So for the first time in a few years I actually had the night free.

The thing about NYE, is that it sucks. You have this big build up for it, and it never manages to meet your expectations. You have these high hopes, but in the end you end up being totally underwhelmed and disappointed. It usually ends up being completely lame. Which is why I set the bar as low as humanly possible for it.

See the thing with me is, I don’t like people. I hate large groups of people, I REALLY don’t like being surrounded by people I don’t know. I don’t enjoy being around a bunch of drunk assholes, unless of course I am one of those drunk assholes. However I don’t drink and drive, and pretty much any time I leave my house, I’m the one who has to drive. I don’t particularly care for bars. I am not a fan of paying the same price for a single bottle of Miller Light, that I could have gone to the store and bought an entire 6 pack for. One of the biggest pains in the sack around here on NYE is driving. You’re going to hit a road block about every 5 miles. After the 2nd or 3rd, it starts to get shockingly annoying. And the cherry on top, our weather blows.

The weather these last 2 weeks have made no sense. December 19th and 20th we had over 2 feet of snow. December 22nd we had non-stop 40 mph wind all day. It was 46 degrees on Christmas. December 26th and 27th the temperature was in the 60’s. On the 28th we had 70mph wind. Om the 30th we got another foot of snow. And last night we had a high temperature of 8 degrees. So to sum up in the last 12 days, we have had 3 feet of snow, apparently a category 2 hurricane with no hurricane, 2 days with temperatures in the 60’s and now temperatures below freezing. God bless Western NY Weather. We broke the record for snow in December. We had 4 feet of snow, BUT at the same time had 6 days over 60 degrees, and 2 over 70. That’s sort of messed up.

Anyhow, back to NYE being lame. As I mentioned, I set the bar impossibly now. Pretty much anything other than being asleep is about as exciting as it gets. Although to be honest, it was a struggle last night to even do that. I spent the night working on websites, and checking basketball scores. I didn’t watch any of that Dick Clark, ball-dropping nonsense, I could not possibly care less about that shit.

When midnight came around, I was in my pajamas, in my kitchen, eating left over chicken and mashed potatoes over my sink and drinking apple juice mixed with sprite.

Sad part is, that exceeded my expectations for the night.

So in closing.

New Years Eve is Hella Lame

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt boobies: God Damn

I’ve never wanted to motor boat a pair of boobies so much in my life. I could curl up and take a nap on those things. Jesus Christ

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